why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
