well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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