dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
