Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
