I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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