ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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