can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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