dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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