I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize