You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
