my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
