how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
