What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
