Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You have to summon your inner elephant
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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