When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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