Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
