He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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