Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
