I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
