never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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