You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
