Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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