It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
