VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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