we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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