Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize