So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
