I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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