Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
