I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
