Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize