i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
