I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
