how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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