Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Randomize
