I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I want to be your penis for a week.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
