My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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