I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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