hell yes lets make some ravioli
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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