WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Drake has all the answers
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
