You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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