Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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