sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
