I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
