I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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