I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
