your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
