I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
