Don't make out with my wife yet
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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