Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
