his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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