Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
