hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize