oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
