like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
