She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
