Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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