Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
