She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
