and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
