Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
