My nipple is on Facebook.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize