My liver just broke up with me...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
