Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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