You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
